Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
