and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
