And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
