Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
