Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
