I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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