P.S. I can't hear my feet
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
