I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
