onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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