I met the friendliest cop last night
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
