so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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