Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
