Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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