You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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