Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
