I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
