Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
