the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
