I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
