After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He felt like a one man threesome
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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