True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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