Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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