Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
