Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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