everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
