i think my tv is drunk
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize