I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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