My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
