Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
