The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
