I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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