I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
