lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
