I just pynch a tree in the face
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just high enough for therapy.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize