Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
