The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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