I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
