I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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