someone owes me an orgasm
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
