OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you never un-have a 4some
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
