this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
