there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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