his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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