my mouth tastes like poor choices
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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