I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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