I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
