o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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