Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
