I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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