I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize