I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
