I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
