If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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