I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
