I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
