Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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