I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
