Screwed.edu
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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