i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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