We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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