I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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