i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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