Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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