He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
