I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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