P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
